Jaykoo

It was just last night, that I came to know, I was more like Voldemort. Not the evil part, maybe. But the whole Horcrux episode . Even my soul too is in many places, split, and saved in nearly seven spots!  There were more than seven, but time took most of them! Still, there are a few left! The important ones. Some of them were alive and had a soul, where mine was carved in. Others were just purely me, my ideas, my memories, my vision, and myself.  Voldemort. He made them out of fear for his life. But for me, it was something else. Love? Care? Commitment? Or maybe fear itself!!! The fear of losing out! The fear of losing myself, the fear of losing an old me, whom I knew for more than two decades. These Horcruxes. They were my need to stay alive, in the past.  But now, I'm unable to build new Horcruxes! Maybe there are no more pieces of my soul left! Just embracing each moment with the good old ones, forever. And, the last day, it happened!!! One of those seven was destroy...

കുഞ്ഞിലെ എപ്പോഴോ ബാലചന്ദ്രൻ ചുളളിക്കാടിൻ്റെ പുസ്തകത്തിൻ്റെ പേരിലൂടെ കേട്ട് പരിചയമുള്ള സ്ഥലം. ചിദംബരം. നടരാജനും മഹാവിഷ്ണുവും ഒരുമിച്ച് പ്രതിഷ്ഠയുള്ള പ്രൗഢഗംഭീരമായ ക്ഷേത്രം. ചോളന്മാരുടെയും ഹോയ്സാലൻമാരുടെയും കരസ്പർശം പതിഞ്ഞ കൊത്തുപണികൾ. ഇത്രയും വലിയ ചിഹ്നങ്ങൾകും പ്രതിമകൾക്കും, കൊത്ത് പണികൾക്കും ഇടയിൽ എൻ്റെ ശ്രദ്ധ ഏറ്റവും അധികം പതിഞ്ഞത് ഒരു ചെറിയ രൂപത്തിലായിരുന്നു. ഏകദേശം 4 അടിയോളം മാത്രം വലിപ്പമുള്ള ഒരു മനുഷ്യൻ.  നിറഞ്ഞ ചിരിയും, തിളങ്ങുന്ന കണ്ണുകളുമായി നിൽക്കുന്ന ഒരു ചെറിയ രൂപം. ആനന്ദൻ. പേരിനെ അന്വർത്ഥമാക്കുന്ന മുഖം. വലത്തോട്ട് ചീകി ഒതുക്കിയ മുടിയും നെറ്റി നിറഞ്ഞ ഭസ്മക്കുറിയുമായി എല്ലാവരെയും ഒരു ചിരിയോടെ, തൊഴുകൈയോടെ അഭിസംബോധന ചെയ്യുന്ന ഒരാൾ. ഗൈഡ് ആണ്. സ്ഥലത്തെ പറ്റിയുള്ള അറിവിനേക്കാൾ എന്നെ അത്ഭുതപ്പെടുത്തിയത്, അദ്ദേഹത്തിൻ്റെ മുഖത്തെ അത്ഭുതവും, കൗതുകവുമായിരുന്നു. പതിഞ്ഞ സ്വരത്തിൽ, എന്നാൽ കൂടി നിൽക്കുന്ന എല്ലാവർക്കും കേൾക്കുവാൻ പാകത്തിനാണ് അദ്ദേഹത്തിൻ്റെ സംസാരം. ഓരോന്ന് കാണിച്ചും പറഞ്ഞും തരുമ്പോഴുള്ള അദ്ദേഹത്തിൻ്റെ സന്തോഷം, നമുക്കും പതിയെ പകർന്ന് തരുന്നുണ്ട്. കാണാൻ വന്നവരുടെ മുഖത...

There was a box! A strange box, where I'm stuck! Just floating, in the middle of nowhere! Like a whale in the deep sea! No strings attached, strings were cut,  And only the knot, remains! That strange box, kept expanding! But, something is missing! Air holes! Yes! There were no air holes! Life was losing out, fading, Slowly, but peacefully! The box went on expanding,  So did the pressure! It went higher, higher, and higher! I was too insignificant, For that box! But the pressure, the vacuum, the void, it went up really high! I was about to explode, But looked up and around,  Hoping for a hand, A savior, a lord, a king, or a friend, But... There was a sound, a big bang, a noise! The insignificant became a significant noise! I broke, into pieces, millions of pieces! Like the last ray of hope, the pieces rushed for an escape! But there was none! still, the box kept growing...                            ...

May this be the last time we see each other! May!!!! Who knows? Maybe not? But I hope it is!  No more dreams! No more hopes! No more open endings!!! Last time, last times, They always circle back, To be a new beginning. Still, May this be the last time we see each other! We never spoke about us! It was never about us! It was about them, the ‘not-so-us’ beings! Those who are just born, lived, and died! And we? We were never born! Never dead! Just alive! Our life is all about this duo! Without which there exists a void, a ‘hole in the matrix’! a pseudo-life! But I hope, May this be the last time we see each other! Looking for an end? or a beginning? Maybe truth! Beneath this lie, lost between the magic of life! For that, I hope, May this be the last time we see each other!                                                            ...

I joined them, for the most cruel game I've ever played! Fishing. Finding joy, pleasure, from the last breaths of those divine creatures! Sometimes, I felt like a king, Who went for a pleasure hunt, Sometimes a god, Who creates and destroys! Yes, now I have that power, To destroy or to preserve! I was ready, to play god, Grabbed the hook, Took the bait, And now the moments of patience. Minutes went like hours, the waiting never ends... They just ignored me, like I was never there! Questioned my existence... People who came along, went home, Happy faces, Proud killers!!! But me... Still waiting for the perfect one! The bait is still there. Out in the open, soaked, wet, Hoping for an escape! But there is no escape!!! The killer is waiting, Keen, about each move! Then there was a splash! I was ready for this moment! Within a minute, there was a dead body in my hands!! A glowing silver figure! The dead eyes were still crying, But the lips, it was smiling... The smile of lost 'hopes...

I'm at my lowest ever! Not sure, whether I'll pick me up again! lost all the interest in that. Just lie down, stay low. Yes, I know,  they are all alone! It's always you for yourself, But still... It was never like this a few years back! They had my back,  And I had theirs.. Always!!! But we lost that bond, Somewhere in the middle. Spaces grew in between. They grew roots! Sucked out all the life from us. Lifeless beings...! Just beings... Living  or maybe surviving. Time grabbed that from me! the instinct, to survive, To stand up, to strike back. And now I'm just another old tree, Who's waiting for the storm to strike, To trip, to lie, to fall apart, And join back, the land of the "living"!                                                                                  ...

Never enough I was never enough! Never enough for anyone. Like a misfit, In each place, moment, and group. The shoes they made were too big, For me at least. Couldn't fill it,  not with whatever dreams I had. Not with whatever hopes I had. Was it the selfishness I had, Or was it the "self misinterpreted" selflessness? No one knows...  Feels like all the place in their world is gone, Yes, nothing is left there, Not even an inch of land!!! Like a lone fish, who is in search of water to live I was searching..., But in the middle of the Sahara, For the perfect heaven! Then there was an Oasis, A dream, a hope... And I took the bait, I always. Moved closer and closer, The bait was too tempting.. Just like any other hope, it vanished. Just like a ghost. And all that was left was sand, brown dry sand, Which covered me,  Like a sleeping pod, Covered me till the last breath, Or maybe till the next moment, Of unending hope...!                 ...